Do to be

There was a concept that came up in my small group years ago.  A wise woman called it “do to be.”  The basic principle is that sometimes the action must precede the feeling.  And, frankly, not only does it work, but I think it’s crucial to a relationship.  Try it: If you’re unhappy, force yourself to smile.  People will smile back, treat you kindly, and even your internal body chemistry might change a little and you actually become happy.

So, if you’re seeking intimacy in a romantic relationship, then be intimate.  Now, that doesn’t mean your particular thought of intimacy is the same as your mate’s.  While you’re looking for sex, they’re looking for sleep.  So, maybe that means you *DO* something that let’s them get more rest.  Then, not only will they have the energy, they’ll have the desire to be intimate with you in the way YOU want.

If you’re craving passion, then be passionate.  Do whatever it is with heart and feel it deeply.  But, again, know your partner: If they speak the love language of “words of affirmation” and you passionately spend hours and days looking for the perfect gift, it may be completely lost on her.

Lastly, there’s a constant “snowball effect”, I believe, that is ALWAYS in play.  You are either snowballing one direction or another.  Either you’re waiting for the other person to be intimate, passionate, or whatever you need and they’re waiting on you to give them what they need with both of you waiting and growing a part until someone else offers one of you some lesser version of what you need and you take it out of desperation.  *OR*, you’re constantly committing to being giving of whatever the other person needs trusting that they’re going to give you what you need with both of you caring and feeding and growing each other and closer together.  And, if you think you’re standing still, then I promise you’re snowballing away from each other because there is no standing still.

Ultimately, this is about choice and communication.  If you want to be happy, then choose to BE happy even if you don’t FEEL happy… your heart will follow your mind.  And when life’s beat you up and you’re tired and you need some R&R, COMMUNICATE that to your partner!  If they truly love you, they will try to give you what you need to rest and recuperate.   Find out how she wants to be loved best and deliver… tell her how best to love you… and, of course, vice-versa.

Yes, it can be this simple.  You will get it wrong.  Both of you will.  But, hopefully, days, weeks, months, and years of getting it right will make it easy to overlook the mistakes.  Just don’t hold on to the mistakes or you’ll definitely start snowballing the other way no matter how hard either of you tries.  You’ve got to let them go.

Addendum:
To some, it sounds like you’re *DOING* something for selfish reasons, but the reasons, despite some popular belief do NOT matter.  In the case of altrustic actions, the end result is what matters, not motivation behind it.  In fact, for me, if someone doesn’t something they DON’T WANT to do, it means more than the person who does it because they wanted to.  The person who didn’t want to do it had to overcome… move out of their own way… choose to put me above them.  And the person who WANTS to do it probably has a selfish motivation at the core anyway.   Some say that there is no such thing as a truly selfless act… categorically, I don’t agree, but the idea is sound.  Almost all acts ultimately stem from selfish motivation.  So, if you get stuck on the motivation, you’ll never be happy because no one will ever REALLY act altruistically, selflessly on your behalf.  Be happy with the act and forget about the motivation… just remember that the act means that they ultimately chose to give you SOMETHING.  You’d be better off focusing on whatever sacrifice they might have made to give you that something: time, ego, money, energy, etc. and remembering to view the sacrifice through their eyes.  Because, while you think cleaning the house instead of playing video games is *NOT* a sacrifice, you need to remember that the video games are R&R time and he gave that up.  So, we have to get rid of expectations, too.  If you don’t, you overlook the sacrifices your partner makes for you.  You can’t expect him to clean or her to buy groceries.  You should be… you need to be grateful EVERY time recognizing that a sacrifice was indeed made.